If it feels like your brain never really switches off, even when the baby is asleep and the house is finally quiet, you’re not alone.
You might sit down with every intention of resting, phone in hand, cup of tea going cold and instead your mind starts racing. When did they last feed? Do we have enough nappies? What about tomorrow? Did I forget something important?
That constant background noise isn’t anxiety, and it isn’t failure. It’s the invisible work of motherhood - the remembering, planning, worrying and thinking ahead that never seems to stop. Even when someone else has the baby. Even when you’re “doing nothing”.
Many mums feel exhausted in a way that sleep doesn’t fix. You can rest, you can sit down, you can even get a decent night - and still feel drained. That can make you wonder what’s wrong with you.
The truth is, nothing is wrong. You’re carrying the mental load of motherhood. And once you understand what that really means, a lot of what you’re feeling suddenly makes sense.
What the Mental Load of Motherhood Actually Is
The mental load isn’t just about what you do. It’s about what you hold.
It’s knowing when your baby last fed without checking. Remembering appointments, growth spurts, and what size clothes will be needed next. Keeping track of what’s running low, what needs washing, and what’s coming up tomorrow.
It’s thinking three steps ahead all the time. Anticipating problems before they happen and quietly solving them in your head.
Even if your partner is hands-on and supportive, you might still be the one holding everything together mentally. The one noticing. The one remembering. The one worrying whether you’re doing things “right”.
That invisible work takes energy.....a lot of it. And because no one really sees it, it often goes unrecognised. Sometimes even by you.
Why It Feels So Heavy (Especially After Having a Baby)
After a baby arrives, the mental load often increases overnight.
You’re recovering physically. You’re running on broken sleep. Your hormones are shifting. You’re learning something completely new while being responsible for a tiny human who depends on you for everything.
Your nervous system stays on high alert - constantly scanning, planning and anticipating. Even when things are calm, your body doesn’t fully relax.
Social media doesn’t help. Perfect nurseries. Calm babies. Mums who look like they’ve got it all together. It can quietly make you feel like everyone else is coping better than you are.
But most of what you’re seeing is a carefully cropped moment, not the full picture.
One of the hardest parts of the mental load is how it turns inward. Instead of thinking “this is a lot”, many mums think “why can’t I cope?”
You might feel guilty for resting. Struggle to relax even when someone else has the baby. Feel snappy, tearful, or emotionally flat without really knowing why.
That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means your mind hasn’t had a proper break in a long time.
How to Lighten the Mental Load Without Doing More
Here’s the part that often surprises people: managing the mental load isn’t about being more organised or getting better at coping.
It’s about giving your brain less to carry.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply name it. Saying “I’m carrying a lot mentally” even just to yourself. This can be incredibly relieving. It shifts the blame away from you and onto the reality of what you’re managing.
If you have a partner, it can help to talk about responsibility rather than help. There’s a big difference between someone doing a task and someone owning it. When responsibility is shared, the mental load starts to ease because you’re no longer the default manager of everything.
Writing things down can help too, not as another thing to stay on top of, but as a way to let your mind rest. Your brain isn’t meant to remember everything.
And then there’s the hardest part: lowering the bar.
Not everything needs to be done today. Or done well. Or done by you. Some days, getting through is enough. Some days, survival is success.
You’re not weak for finding this hard. You’re not failing because it feels heavy.
The mental load of motherhood isn’t meant to be carried by one person, silently, all the time. If it feels overwhelming, that’s not a personal shortcoming - it’s a sign you’re holding too muchThe mental load you’re carrying doesn’t mean you’re doing motherhood wrong - it means you’re deeply invested. Feeling overwhelmed is a response to holding a lot, not a personal shortcoming. You don’t have to do this alone, and it’s okay to ask for support.